cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

You Might Also Like


I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.


All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.


WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*


Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.


“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.


Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.


“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad


When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.