@fro_vo

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

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@skitzoette

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

@bornmiserable

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

@ericsshadow

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

@AlmightyBored

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

@frankzulla

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

@Social_Mime

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.