cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
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I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Netflix and scream at our children?!
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.