I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.