*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
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THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
This is a sub tweet
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.