Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
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I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it