We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
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Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.