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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
what’s the point then??
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.