The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”