Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Siri, fight Alexa.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I’ve had worse
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday