women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
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God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.