Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
🛁
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene