Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
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Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
new shirt idea
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost