NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
6: are snakes just neck?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I forgot how to panic. Help
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet