Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body