Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
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goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
somewhere, in an alternate universe
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I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Dead sexy!!
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My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.