Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
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I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.