sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
You Might Also Like
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
podcasts
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.