Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
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If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”