[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
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That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I want this so bad
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?