ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*


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[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.


Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.


SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on


THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem


Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?


When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.


Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.


I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER