thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Breaking news:
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Good morning!
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.