When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
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Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*