Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
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Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
goldfish mafia
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER