Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
![]()
You Might Also Like
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time