I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
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kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*