I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
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I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
i wish i could marry a nap
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you