I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
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We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.