INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
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Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
United Steaks of America
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*