All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
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[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.