Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Damn he played himself
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions