Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
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Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.