Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
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The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
War & Peace
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu