Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
They did not think through this water fountain
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
every single time
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%