My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
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Guys, I found it.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
not for long
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…