“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!