Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva