I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*