Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
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CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?