Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
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My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
me when I see my crush
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Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.