Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”