Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super