gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
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nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
seems like a niche market
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.