Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
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I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
scares
My diet starts in January
of 2027
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
can you read it!!??
maan!
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime