I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing