When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
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(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.