I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.