My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
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Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””