Who says great literature is dead?
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Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’