Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party