[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine