Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I feel this so hard