Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
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*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Time heals everything 🙂
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order