sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
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If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
fair
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe