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New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.