It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
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So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog