Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
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I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money